Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas...Err, I Mean Kansas City

So for the last few months, I thought that just being a Weight Watcher member was enough to make me lose weight.  Forget the fact that I wasn't tracking my food, staying within my points, or getting much exercise.  I thought that because I went to meetings and paid my monthly dues that that was enough.  Delusional, huh? 

Well, I am happy to announce that today I found my right mind.  It was really there all along, just clouded by incredible laziness, self loathing, and self pity.  Somewhere along my journey, I decided that I wasn't worth the effort.  Losing weight is tough.  Don't let anyone lead you to believe otherwise.  In order to stick with it, you have to decide that you're worth it, and damn it, I'm worth it!

I've heard people say that in order to lose weight you have to be happy with yourself as you are now.  I thought that was crazy.  My rationale was, "If I'm happy with myself as I am now, what's the point in putting in the effort to lose weight?"  Today I realized the powerful truth behind that line of thinking.  When I hate the way I look, and the way my clothes fit, I'm more likely to go grab a big bag of chips, a candy bar, and some cake with buttercream icing than I am to grab some fruit or veggies.  In my mind, because I didn't like myself, I had permission to keep shoveling the crap into my mouth. 

Think about it.  How do we treat our friends?  I am kind, compassionate, caring, and protective of the people I care about.  As for people I don't like, that's a completely different story.  I tend to ignore those people, and can even be kind of mean.  Well, that's what I've been doing to myself.  I haven't been happy with myself, so I've been ignoring the fact that I haven't been tracking, and in a way have been poisoning myself with the kind of food I've been eating. 

I've also been afraid.  How can someone be afraid of losing weight, you ask?  Number 1, I'm afraid of failing.  If I don't try, I can't fail.  Backwards, I know.  Number 2, I'm a little scared of what my body is going to look like with 80 pounds gone.  Stretchmarks can be cruel.  Number 3, I haven't been thin since high school.  That was almost 13 years ago.  I'm not sure who I am thin and I really don't want to have an identiy crisis at 31.  That's not supposed to happen until I'm in my 40's, and then I get to go buy something ridiculously extravagent to try to compensate. 

Today I decided that the fear and loathing stops NOW!  As Stuart Smalley used to say, "I'm good enough.  I'm smart enough.  And doggonit, people like me!"  Now it's time for me to like me.

Time to Reboot and Refocus

Last week was a total bust.  I didn't even go weigh-in on Saturday morning.  I just couldn't face the scale.  Instead I had 4 pieces of pizza for dinner.  I've got to get a handle on this thing.  It seems as though 1 bad day, and 1 day of not tracking throws me completely off the rails.  I'm back on track today, which is good, but tomorrow is going to be tricky.  We are having a birthday lunch for one of my co-workers, and my husband is taking me out for Valentine's day tomorrow night.  Fortunately Lent is right around the corner and I'm going to take it as an opportunity to re-boot.  Most people I know give up something for Lent.  This year I am committing to doing something every day as my personal challenge and sacrifice.

February 22 starts my Weight Watchers boot-camp.  I am committing myself to following the plan 100% every day during the Lenten season.  This includes tracking every single morsel of food that passes my lips, staying within my points, and doing 30 minutes of activity per day.  It's going to be really hard, but I know it's just what I need. 

Why not start earlier you ask?  I ask myself that question all the time.  I still haven't found a good answer.  I just know that during Lent, I'm less likely to let myself off the hook for having a bad day.  Not to mention this gives me a week to get a plan in place.